Tee Time For Ancient Humans

Every once in a while you stulmble over an event that perfectly encapsulates life as we know it. Pinnacle Point Golf Resort in South Africa does it for me. Cue the manditory Caddyshack themesong.

To begin with, I feel about golf the way George Carlin feels about golf. These baronial wastes of space should be turned into reservations for the homeless. But of course the Pinnacle story goes further: ironically it is a start to finish image of the filthy rich, (mostly) white, (mostly) Western, colonial assholes bargining into a foreign land, squatting, terraforming, and then lavishly destroying the environment while he plays via the toil of natives. Here we have a modern uber-resort pissing itself down upon the remains of one of mankind’s earliest settlements, which of course happens to be African. But wait, could we make it more insulting? You bet!

Guess what the resort’s slogan is?

“Welcome to Golf’s New Garden of Eden!”

Just perfect.

John Hawks started it all with a blog note on Robert Koenig’s Science article:

“When golf threatens the archaeological record”

Wastewater runoff from a golf-course irrigation system is threatening research at caves along South Africa’s southern coast that contain the earliest evidence of humans exploiting marine resources, scientists say. To their disappointment, a judge here declined last week to issue an injunction designed to protect the archaeological site.

The anthropology blogosphere lit up and picked up the megaphone:

Pinnacle Point Caves are threatened by runoff and no one is doing anything about it!

Among other things this article informs us, “The oldest level, dated by OSL to 164,000 years ago, includes both Levallois and bladelet (Howiesons Poort-like) technologies, and 57 pieces of pigment (red ochre).”

164,000 years of priceless human record? Yeah, yeah, history, schmistory. The lobsters in the Pinnacle restaurant are 164,000 seconds old, so quick wasting our time. Bon appetite!

I guess the sediment will now start turning up Tiger Woods golf balls. (I know, it’s magical with I layer a second level of irony in the first.) Then golfaddicts can counter claim that golf is the oldest known sport in the world.

But you know it will be destroyed and nothing will ever be done about it, because this is a greedmonger’s dream. Where else will all the rich assholes and hos go to while away those long hours every day? I mean, just imagine how boring a day would be if you had nothing to do all day. Like work. It truly is hard to fill those long, lonely hours when you just lounge around, drinking, playing with your balls, fiddling with your club. Feel sorry for the bastards.

Besides it just a bunch of old crap down in a cave. You know how dirty the scientists have to get digging that glop out. It probably gets under their nails and everything. Ewww. Way to ruin a manicure.

So, who the fuck cares about nasty old history?

Beyond that, this resort will never be chastised let alone stopped because it is beyond networked. The very people who run all the businesses, control all the trade, and make all the policies for the nation, are the people who are members. That is why the case is thrown out of court. That is why they are being thrown awards even while the case is being dismissed.

Pinnacle Point Beach & Golf Resort triumphant at National Business Awards

29 May 2008

Riding on the success of the dazzling Pilsner Urquell Shootout this weekend, Pinnacle Point Beach & Golf Resort (PPB&GR) have scooped another prestigious accolade. At the National Business Awards gala dinner, held in Johannesburg last night, PPB&GR received the coveted award for The Real Estate Project of the Year.

See the smug white assholes and the pretty dark-skinned girl who hands them the award? Picture perfect. Afterwards I bet they went to the casinos of Sun City to celebrate.

However, I am always optimistic, always one to turn things around and find solutions, seek out compromises, solve puzzles. The situation may look grim and hopeless, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

The solution to the Pinnacle-cave crisis is to have the two projects unite. The Golf resort should adopt the cave. They should add a guest history tour as one of their exclusive excursions, build a path down to the site, or better yet create a faux cave exhibit near the original so it will not accidentally be damaged, then they can add to the allure of their resort while simultaneously make a killing on overpriced tickets, tours, and gift shop trinkets. Imagine the great t-shirt and coffee mug options by combining the actual ancient cave of humanity with a “New Garden of Eden” slogan tie-in. That’s how you make everyone happy and rich, increase awareness, promote science, and save the site as well.

If they would simply be responsible neighbors, irreplaceable history would be preserved and everyone would gain something. Even their sewage turd of an image could be shined up nicely if they did the right thing.

By the way, I request a consulting fee for this concept, and expect to be invited down for the first Tea Time for Ancient Humans tour before the kickoff Tee Time in the New Garden Of Eden.*

Then maybe next year I can have a picture with the cute South African model holding my businessdick of the year award.

* All names and concepts copyrighted Thomas Fortenberry and may not be used for extravaganza golf unless they pay up in support of protecting ancient history.

Tags: History

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm CDTand is filed under History. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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Thomas Fortenberry